Begging for change.

Is there any area of your life where you need help, restoration or simply change? I believe that I need assistance in all of these areas. I need help in continuing to keep promises to Christ to myself and to others. I need His restoration. And perhaps most important, I need change. It's time for complete honesty....I'm insecure, so extremely insecure and honestly, I do not know where my self esteem issues stem from. I was loved as a child, doted on and given everything I could possibly want. Honestly, I felt relatively ok about myself until high school. Then, my parents divorced and everything changed in my world. I always felt sub par in comparison to my friends. Their lives were better, they were prettier, ect. Please no sympathy because I overcame much of this in college. I joined a sororeity and felt validated again. I was a leader in this group and saw myself grow into the social person that I always knew that I could be.

I left college a better person,yet a person very attached to others. I lived with three friends after college, then two friends then a fiancé and then a husband. I have never had to be alone and the thought of alone or loneliness is very scary to me. It means finding comfort within yourself and peace. I'm working on that and I must say that it is one of the scariest things that I have ever done. Something that seems so easy is frankly one of the most difficult undertakings. So, today, I pray for change, and I pray that the Lord continue to give me the strenghth that I need to embrace such necessary changes in my life.

Have you followed a Lenten discipline? What has been your experience?

My blog has been my discipline as it has held me accountable on a daily basis to reflect and to continue to work on me. It has forced me to look at myself entirely...the good and the bad. It has given me opportunities to see just how fortunate I am to be surrounded by so many wonderful things in my life. It has allowed me to see how much I take for granted. It has opened my eyes to the people that I have hurt and it has allowed me to recognize the importance of forgiveness. It has held me to a higher level than I have held myself in so many years and helped me to see a new light within myself when I was so close to being consumed by darkness. Lent has allowed me to see the importance of faith and my relationship with Christ. It is my hope that the habits that I have formed in these past few weeks remain with me. Walking with Christ is not always the easy choice, but is always our greatest choice.

Bearing the Burdens of One Another

Throughout His word, God asks that we love one another. While this task may seem impossible compared to His infinite love for us, it is not impossible. Yet, often we fail at the request. We judge those who are different from us, we judge the choices of others without fully knowing why they chose what they did, we carry anger toward others for things that can be viewed as being petty in the grand scheme of things. We hold onto anger because we are so many times simply stubborn. I truly believe in forgiveness because it I a gift that has been given to me so many times when I probably didn't deserve it. I also believe in anger and hurt and pain....God gets that too. He knows that we are not perfect and that people do not always do unto others as they would have done to themselves. I believe that, but I do believe that, over time, he asks us to forgive. That forgiveness can be granted in so many ways....whether taking that person back into your life and offering verbal forgiveness or to forgive that person in your heart and make self peace.

Again, He does not ask us for perfection because we cannot hold ourselves in comparison to his infinite love. He asks that we be the best that we can be....my goal for this week is to work on removing judgement and begin to ask for forgiveness in an effort to work on self peace.

Junk in the basement.

I have always regarded the spring as a time to clean...to clean out the clutter that accumulates in our lives, our possessions, in preparation for a new season. A season that ushers in longer and warmer days, blooming dogwoods and bright flowers. We clean to open new space and it feels good, accomplished. Never before have I considered that this could also be fruitful for the soul. I walk around with clutter in my heart and what better time to begin cleaning that as well?

Lent opens the opportunity for me to reflect on myself for forty days. Do I think that I can clear away all of my junk in that short amount of time? No. But it does give me the chance to survey my inner landscape and find those things which are in disrepair and to begin working on them one day at a time. I often spend so much time focusing on my junk that I can't focus on the present because I use all of my energy trying to look back and reconfigure my past. I can't fix the things that I have broken, all I can do is learn from them and try to be a better person. I believe that there is purpose in all things. Events happen so we can become stronger and people in our lives happen so they can remind us of our strength. They show us our good when we are focusing on our junk. And with His help we are given the hope and the opportunity of coming back to life.

Reflect on the beauty that surrounds you.

Todays scripture reading comes from John, when Jesus heals the blind man. "All I know is that I was blind and now I can see." To truly find beauty we should look to nature, like the beautiful tulips and pansies growing where I live, the innocence in my sweet niece, the kind hearts of my friends, the infinite love and support that my dad continually offers to me, the patience and unconditional love of my friends. These are the truly important and beautiful things in my world. My gifts from God. Yet we live in a world where we continually define beauty by material things. How we look determines how we feel. Rather than embracing the beautiful life that He has given, we fall into the depths of vanity. I am extremely guilty of this and ashamed of being so materialistic.

There are so many beautiful moments to savor in the world. The unexpected kiss and hug from my niece, holding my friends babies, watching kids excitedly come up to Molly, seeing the true heart and emotions of people who love with all they have, the small notes and hugs that my students continually offer. Beauty surrounds me, and I want to continue to see it. For so many years, I have been like the blind prophet. I'm beginning to see. Thank you God for renewing my sight.

What Burdens Me?

I feel burdened by my choices and the people who have been hurt as a result of my choices.  I carry a burden over the loss of my mother.  I am burdened by the fact that I turned my back on Him, during a time in my life when I could have used Him the most.  I am burdened by the problems of my students....they carry a heavy load and sometimes we forget where they are coming from. 

I think that I often neglect to include Christ when I am burdened.  Rather, I am ashamed of my mistakes and feel too humiliated to turn to Him or go to church.  The problem is this is the very time when I should be calling on God.  I forget about His unconditional love.  I forget about the forgiveness that He offers to everyone.  I forget that confronting and facing our problems is what makes things better--it is the avoidance that creates problems. 

My burdens create who I am, and they are issues that can be worked on, but may never be fully erased.  There is no point in dwelling on the past, I must live for today and continue to work on me. 

Define spiritual transformation. How does it come about?

Today's prompt embodies me. I am currently undergoing a transformation....I am working on a better me. In doing so, I believe to transform oneself, you must reflect upon yourself, and that means looking at both the good AND the bad. It is hard to face humility, to truly let your guard down and look at what we consider our ugliness, the things that we are ashamed of about ourselves, our past, our flaws and our pain. I am in the process of this now and I must admit it is difficult, it is painful and it is emotional. Perhaps the most difficult and emotional part of the process is realizing, despite all that I consider to be wrong with me and just how flawed I am, He still loves me. Honestly, there have been moments recently when I have broken over His unconditional love because I cannot fully understand it...I cannot comprehend it's depths.

What I do believe is that the transformation is a necessity for a fruitful life. We need Christ...I need Christ. His absence from my life has caused me to plummet and do so many things that I regret. I embrace my transformation, as it makes me hopeful for a promised future, one that fills me with the hope of a promised life.

Do you participate in a creative practice that you define as prayer?

From today's reading in Samuel, the following stood out to me, Mortals judge on outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.  What lies within us is what ultimately defines who we are...our actions show what lies within. 

I identify myself through my job....in fact, my job is the creative practice that I define as prayer.  I want to help others.  I volunteer every year to take on more "general" classes, as opposed to "advanced" because those are the kids that need me, those are the reasons why I do my job.  If I have touched or changed one life as a result of a student being in my classroom, then I have served my purpose.  I care about kids--I try to find good in all of my students and give them a chance, when so many others have not.  I respect immediately and find the rapport between students as the most important and rewarding part of my job. 

In the end, I believe that God sees us for who we are....He sees the real us.  I want what is in my heart to be shown through my actions.  I have so much room for improvement and must daily remind myself to let go of the past and keep working on my heart. 

What would it mean to love your weaknesses?

Wow. This is one that I truly had to think about before I could respond, as I think it is human nature to carry guilt for our weaknesses. In fact, we often focus far more on the bad things about ourselves than the good. We are our own worst critic, when typically we see our flaws as being far worse than they really are. I have lots of weaknesses...I'm overly sensitive and emotional, I read too much into things, I often lack self confidence, I'm wreckless with money. For me, it is truly hard to say that there is anything that I love about my weaknesses, individually, but collectively they make me who I am. We are constantly growing and learning in life, which includes looking at our weaknesses and assessing their worth. For instance, while a flaw, I like the fact that I do love people with everything that I have, yes to a fault, but there are far worse habits. However, I do not love the fact that I am so careless with money, as it portrays me as being materialistic, self centered and irresponsible. It has been extremely difficult for me to really examine this flaw because it is embarrassing to admit to myself and others. What I can say that I love about this weakness is that it is teaching me humility, which is so very important.

While I do not know if we are equipped to ever truly love our weaknesses, I do believe that they can teach us to be better. In the end, I hope to be better and be the very best me.

If Jesus met you today and began speaking about the wounded parts of your life, what would He mention first?

There are many wounds that reside within me that are invisible to others but so glaringly obvious to Christ. Perhaps the first deepest and most painful wounds that He would acknowledge is the loss of my mother than continues to pain me on a daily basis, He would also talk to be about the emptiness that, at times, consumes me. However, what's most important to focus on is how He would ask that we deal with our wounds. I think He wants to be our healer, He wants us to place our wounds in His hands and to allow him to heal our aching pain.

So many times I focus on the wounds from my past, as a part of understanding why I feel the way that I do today. So today, I ask Him to manage my wounds and I ask do Him to heal me now and for eternity. I surrender all to Him.

Pray Today's Prayer

I don't think I utilize the power of prayer as much as I should in my daily life. Rather, I turn to prayer in moments of weakness and distress. I turn to prayer when I am desperate and in need of His help, not when I am grateful and fulfilled in my life.

Moving forward, I want to pray more frequently for the gifts in my life and I want to pray for others that are suffering and are not as fortunate as I. I have so many gifts in my life....good family, friends and a beautiful niece. Today I am praying for the good in my life. Thank you God for so many gifts.

What do you yearn for this Lenten season?

Psalm 95 says, "O that you would listen to His voice!"  Often, easier said than done.  God is always with us, watching us and desperately wanting us to follow in His path, however, at times we are lead into temptation and we fail to listen.

For several years, I have failed to listen--I have let go of my spirituality, which is so imperative to being the best you.  I have followed the path of temptation and I have sinned.  I am well aware of my sins and I am ashamed that I have failed to listen to His voice when he was so eagerly waiting for me to follow His word.  Christ sacrificed His life for the life of all mankind--I believe this and it is painful to admit that someone would give me such a wonderful gift and in return, I do not live my life for Him.  What little He asks of us for such a big gift--life.

I yearn to listen to the voice of Christ.  To follow His word, even during the most difficult times when I am tempted to give up, I want to listen to Him.

What do you need to leave behind this lenten season?

Christ promises new life and forgiveness.  To wallow in our mistakes is to go against His word, as we should accept His forgiveness for the gift that it is. 

I constantly find myself thinking about the past, regretting the past and beating myself up over my past.  I find myself consumed with regret, rather than growing and learning from the experiences and vowing to not make these mistakes again, rather to learn and be better as a result of my poor choices or negative experiences.  I have a hard time fully understanding the forgiveness that Christ offers, as I cannot understand that time of forgiveness and love.  Unconditional love is so hard to phathom because I am not sure that I have been put in a situation where my love for others has been tested.  Rather, I continually, test the love of those that love me so much.  I test their limits and expect abandonment, yet I am loved relentlessly. 

So, this lenton season, I am asking Him for forgiveness in an effort to leave behind the mistakes of my past.

What does the cross symbolize for you?

"But choosing the cross means life; choosing life without it means death. Only by entering the darkness can I begin to find the light."  These words, from today's devotional, jumped from the page. 

Christ bore the cross for us, I have always believed that, in fact I am still in awe that He would have so much love for me that he suffered for ME.  In fact, when I decided to accept Christ into my life, I can still remember the wave of emotions that swept through me.  It is hard to phathom that type of love.  It is hard to imagine that degree of selflessness, to carry that burden for the good of so many.  To walk through that degree of darkness to find the light....

We bear a cross.  I carry a cross, and I am in the moment of darkness, looking for the light.  And, I must admit that there are days that my cross is so heavy that I want to drop it and HAVE dropped it.  There are times when, unfortunately, I have given up and fallen into the depths of sorrow and sin.  I am ashamed of these moments in my life.  But, Christ does not give up on us.  He is continually offering hope.  He desperately wants us to see the light.  His love is a gift and I no longer want to take that gift for granted. 

For me, the cross is hope. 

Have you ever thought of sorrow as a gift?

Good Morning, All!  In an effort to build a better me, I am following Summer and Meg, and I am reflecting. 

The question for today is particularly interesting to me, as I remember the loss of my mother nearly 11 years ago.  A loss that I continue to carry.  The love of a parent does not go away, there is no quick fix, and though time has repaired me in so many ways, I ache for her.  So can I see sorrow as a gift? 

I have always been a believer in that there is a time, reason and purpose for all things.  For example, I see the divorce of my parents as a good thing, as it ultimately brought me closer to both my mom and my dad.  The relationship forged by their divorce became a defining, but positive in my life.  Ironically, the sadness of their separation was indeed a gift.

I think that I should see the sorrow from the loss of my precious mother as a gift, which makes me a better person.  The person that she would be proud of and want me to be.  Unfortunately, I do not think I make her proud.  I see others that I strive to be, that I know would make her proud.  My friend Krista, who loves me unconditionally and knows the value of "tough love" would make her proud.  My friend Amber, who protects and defends me, would make her proud.  My friend Meg, who encourages me to be more spiritual, would make her proud.  And, my friend Summer, with her infinite love and patience, would make her proud.  The culmination of these people MAKE my mother; each carrying an aspect of her.  Having these people in my life makes her proud. 

I want to be a better person.  I want to take the sorrow from my past and grow into a better person as a result.  My friends are the true gift.  Life is the true gift.